"I want so much to live life. I am resilient - and I manage my illness the best I can. I participate in life the most I can. I just have to find a place of acceptance that I am doing my best and that has to be good enough for now".

For me, it is about finding the middle ground of acceptance, between the extremes of denial and overwhelm; still giving it my best shot, but also knowing when to pull back. I think it is a good goal to have.

My pdoc has upped my dose of antidepressant, (given that I have spent 3 1/2 months in the past four in a deep depression). We will see how we go with that She is also interested in trialling me again on Lithium; a very low dose, and see if that helps contribute to some stability.

I might have to accept that this is the best that I'm going to get. It may just be an extended bad time. I will continue to see my situation as realistically as I can an make decisions based on fact... still hopeful and fighting though.

well, how to get through times like this hey? done it enough times before to know I'll get through again. Just really disappointed my brain has malfunctioned two weeks out of it's last 3 month bender. Can't sustain my living environment much longer so, considering putting my stuff in storage and going backpacking - it's a much cheaper lifestyle than staying put without a flatmate. Really loathed to let this place go though as I really love it, and if I am honest with myself I don't have the interest in travelling atm. So backpacking just sits there as a last resort I s'pose. I'm feeling worried about the impact of mental illness on my life. As hard as I try to work with it, there ares still so many needs I am unable to fill just because I am too sick. So I try to break it down to right now, breathing and body sensations, and what I can see, hear, feel, smell and taste. Total absorption in the present moment. I might distract myself with some telly. Try to do some housework. But first, I'll lay on the couch in the sun and meditate. I might even do a positive imagery meditation, for hopefulness. Visualise myself well and happy, completely submerged in participating in life the way I would want to if I were well. And then I will have to do a meditation for acceptance of exactly where I am in life I spose lol.

Lay in bed and read for the morning, waiting for the ptsd to pass. I have pulled back from my normal interactions this week. Weekend with the boy but I might swap it so he comes to a party with me next Saturday night. He really enjoys that crowd. I have meditation on Sunday night if I want to go along to it. And there is a walk I can do with my walking group on Monday, if I want to do that. My usual state of overwhelm just kicking along; I'd like to be able to turn the dial back on my emotions a bit. I suppose that is what the meds are for. They make it manageable. Finding that place to accept whatever life throws at us; can be a lot like trying to find the Holy Grail. I've got a book out of the library called Buddha's Brain. It seems to have a lot about neuroplasticity - and I find neuroplasticity a source of hopefulness; even though I haven't yet been able to make a discernible impact from all that I do to try and change my neural pathways I think acceptance that my brain is ###$ might be just as useful as trying to fix it or manage it's malfunctions. Well the book will give me something to distract myself during my time out in "safe harbour". Jade.

Gawwwd, it is beautiful weather today. The sun is just beautiful, nice fresh breezes, blue sky. It is 19.3oC and the humidity is 47%. I haven't gone for my walk yet, and I can't wait to get out in it... it is like a cool crystal blue sparkling swimming pool inviting you in, in the peak of summer.

I'm really gearing up psychologically for a new flatmate. I'm almost curious about what this new person is going to be like. I have been really specific about the qualities I want; but as with anyone, there is always a unique personality with a real person underneath. I took some more pics this morning that I'm really happy with. I've spent the past 4 1/2 hours trying to upload an ad for a flatmate to just this one site. Each time I get all of it uploaded the site crashes... so I'll keep chipping away at that little gem. I'm sure I will have success soon!... Yay, success!

Trying to find a fridge to buy. The mounting on the motor inside the compressor is loose. The fridge works perfectly but the rattle when the compressor turns off is annoying.

I have the second night of tai chi tonight. My expectations last week were quite low and I don't know whether they were surpassed. I think tai chi is something you do for the outcome rather than intrinsic enjoyment.

I have my first session with the EMDR therapist tomorrow. The first session will be screening for whether I am good candidate for EMDR - hope so - I wonder whether I'm more curious about experiencing the therapy than it's outcomes lol... no, some relief to the ptsd would be welcome

Well now my online work is done, I'm going to get out there in the beautiful sunshine

Today was a lazy day. I read half a book about my dad's adventures over 20 years ago (His mate wrote it; and my dad features frequently in it). It's bringing back more memories than I expected it to and it is funny to look back at that time from my middle aged adult self now. Still battling the telco, con man and accom issues. My motivation towards all that has draining out of me... I'm just so over it. Tomorrow is a big day. I have the walking group, tai chi and volunteer work (first day). I also have to buy a fridge... blarrrr. How does one get the motivation to do something so boring and expensive from the point of fatigue and poverty? Well I'll tell you when I find out.